Living a Life of Courage

As you may have noticed I haven't posted since September or so and I have information to back that up that I will get to in just a bit. My topic of choice was actually a school assignment (my final actually). We were given a list of words in which we must choose one and form our personal definition of the word. A word stood out to me on that list and I was drawn to a word; that word was courage.

In the start of the 2017-2018 school year I had started my junior year out at Buchanan High School. I was at a much better state of mind that I had been in at Clovis High School. I was out of a toxic environment and I was looking forward to getting my life back on track. I had new friends to go to and hang out with, but the best part was having people at that school who hadn't even heard of my name; I got my fresh start. As the school year went on I had started to feel alone again, even though I was surrounded by over three thousand students on campus. I felt like I couldn't get involved and that it was hard to fit in because of the huge classes and, lets face it, these kids had grown up together their entire lives and I just got thrown into the mix. My mind had become toxic again and I was in pain. In November I was diagnosed with social anxiety, depression, and PTSS (Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome).

Everyday was a constant battle I had with myself in my mind. I was really good at hiding it and nobody had a clue of what was going on in my life at the moment because who wants to be known as the girl cursed with sadness? The ones that did know about my struggles were doing as much as they could to help me understand that I wasn't alone in this battle, but I felt more apart than ever. One day my mind went as far into thinking and convincing myself that I didn't want to be alive anymore because my internal pain was getting to be more than I could bear. I had told my mom this that same day and we cried. I was so broken and I didn't know what to do. Yes, I knew God allowed this in my life for a reason, but how in that moment when I wanted to end my life supposed to understand that this is in His plan for me? That same night I had decided that it was by the grace and love of God that I chose to tell my mom because who knows where my hopelessness could have led me to. I needed to face the trials put before me.

In December, my dad had made a proposal that could potentially change the course of my life. He knew that Buchanan was a good school, but I wasn't thriving to be the once happy and loving little girl he used to have. His question to me was, "Would you like to go to school at Fresno Christian?" My immediate response was to cry and have a mini anxiety attack, of course. As frightened as I was about now having the option to go to another high school, I said yes.

In January I started my first day at what is now my third high school. I don't know how many times I snuck off into the bathrooms that day to cry because I was so frightened. I had only known about three students at the high school that only had a total of two hundred. I went home from school that day and when I saw my mom I started to cry (shocker). My reason for crying was different this time though, I was full of hope and excitement. For the first time in a long time I had felt where I belonged. I had finally felt that sense of purpose and security that I was looking for.

I can now proudly say that I am thriving where I am. God has shown me mercy and favor in my life and I am so thankful. I'm blessed with people who go out of their way to make sure I know everyday that I am beautiful and that I am loved. I'm in a healthy environment that has God at the center of everything everyday. God has truly restored my life.

Though all of this, I've been able to find courage. God gave me the courage to withstand my trials. It took a lot of courage to step foot on my high school campus, but even more when I started at my third. I was able to find courage when battling with my own mind and the lies from the devil. Lies that would tell me I'm not good enough for anybody, that I am not worthy to be loved or even to love. I was too broken to be restored. It was a struggle to get out of bed every single morning until I went to sleep at night. By courage, I was able to keep moving forward.

Joshua 1:9 says: :"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you, wherever you go." This verse spoke to me in ways I can't explain. From my dad telling me this verse every night when I was little to now using it as a daily habit is amazing to me. It takes courage for me to be able to step out in a public place and not have anxiety of what might happen or who I might see. I am courageous because God is with me and I know he won't lead me astray. He won't give me anything in my life that I cannot handle. God will never fail me or leave me. My past is what shapes my courage.

Joshua 1:9