Here and Now.
- Bethany Pouliot
- Mar 22, 2020
- 8 min read
As some of y'all have seen in my previous blogs, I have been working through a devotional, and I am so excited to say that I have finished it! Before we jump into my reflection, I want to take a second and address the issue going on right now. The world is crazy. This COVID-19 stuff is absolutely beyond me, its so hard to wrap my head around it! In the midst of all of this, God is still good. He has authority over all creation. He knows beginning and end and there is nothing that can separate us from his love. The world is being consumed by fear, but I just wanted to take this introduction to address this fact: God is in control. the Bible says "Do not be afraid" a total of 365 times... that is him commanding us do not be afraid for everyday of the year (and there is no exception for leap year either!) Guys I know this is uncharted territory. The world has not had to deal with an illness like this before. I do know that there is no fear when faith is present. There's no doubt when hope is near. Our God is a God of the living and he conquered the grave... how amazing is that!? With all of this being said, I am here to listen or to pray over you because God wants us to cast our anxiety on him because he cares about us. Don't be afraid to reach out because I'm here for you. I have peace because God is in control and he knows everything.
Okay so I have such great news and (of course) joy! I am THE MOST excited that I have completed the 100 day prayer journal that I have been pursuing. Every Single Moment by Stephanie May Wilson has been life altering. If you don't know what this study is about, it is a prayer journal for women who are wanting to dive deeper into all that God can do while being single. It really focuses on how to take advantage of every single moment. So much has come out of doing this study and I have seen God in so many more ways than I ever thought or knew him to be. He's working in my heart and life and this has been a sweet season of surrender. I just wanted to take this time to write a reflection on how this journal has changed my life... so here we go!
I started this devotional about two weeks after I decided to fully commit my life to following him (because doing it on my own was not the move). I hadn't actually been single for longer than a month or so since my freshman year. A sweet friend had mentioned that she was doing this study as well. I knew IMMEDIATELY the Holy Spirit was prompting me to buy this devotional, so I ordered it that night. My first entry was on November 26, 2019. I remember sitting there with tears in my eyes and a heart full of hope for these 100 days ahead of me. The first 35 days or so was God peeling away a lot of what I thought was best for me and it was so hard. I had so much anxiety and working through my past... it HURT. I found that I hadn't really been honest with myself about my motives or just the condition of my heart. It was really hard for me to sit there and realize that the life I was living just wasn't the one God had planned for me, but now I had to work through those past relationships and acknowledging how many people I had hurt in the process. Another big thing was learning what faith actually was. It isn't a feeling, but its knowing that God is good always and that he's a loving father who knows what is best for me and I should trust him with my life because he was the one who gave me life. Contentment was another huge aspect of this first part. Knowing that God has given me everything I need (and so much more tbh), and that I don't need anything else. It put into perspective just how much I had been thinking that he wasn't enough and that there has to be more. I started out frustrated that I was at community college, at a job with no room for promotion, and my photography business wasn't getting the business I'd hope it would get. God soon revealed to me that he has me exactly where I need to be. These days shifted my heart from the world to the spirit, and the hardest, but most rewarding days came next.
January 7, 2020 (Day 43) was a life changer. I had been asking God to really move in my heart so that I may live into the plans he has for me. I had been praying consistently for surrender of my life and will, humility in my life, and trust in his goodness. I had lived a life of secrecy. I woke up that morning with the Holy Spirit telling me (so clearly), "Come clean". Of course I was like uh yea no. The more I sat in bed praying and crying, the heavier the weight of my past weighed on me. He was telling me to come clean about my past relationships to my parents, all the secrets I had kept in the dark. I kept praying over and over: "God I know you work all things for the good of those who love you, so please give me courage to bring this darkness to light." I walked into my moms office sobbing and I told her everything. The weight that had been weighing on me for years had been lifted in an instant. I felt so much peace, healing, and so loved in that moment. My mom looked at me and said, "I am so proud of you, and if anything I love you even more." I told my dad later that day as well and he just held me and told me he loved me. This was so hard for me to do, but I have seen God bless this. He restored the brokenness I had been hiding, mended the relationships with friends and family, and above all else took me to another level of depth in my relationship with him.
After this day I started praying about God's guidance in my life, where he was going to take me and what it meant to live a God-centered life. One week later on January 13 (Day 49), I was introduced to an internship opportunity for Summit Ministries. I applied that evening and I prayed for God to give me the desires of my heart, but first his will be done.
Through these next 50 days, God really did humble me, and show me what he can do with even the tiniest amount of faith I have. I have always been self conscious just with everything. The section in there "A Life of Confidence" was the hardest section to work through for me. God had revealed to be just how much I had based my identity off of what the world views as beautiful, acceptable, or even just how I should carry myself. It was even hard for me to hear that God views me as beautiful, chosen, a delight, without flaw, his child, and beloved. I had been consumed by the lies of the world and enemy for so many years, and it was hard having to retrain my brain into telling myself that how God views me is through the eyes of love, and not judgement as the world does. He transformed my heart. I can now look in the mirror without hating what I see. I see God's beautiful and wonderful creation created for HIS goodness. I find my confidence in Him because he has authority over all, and he's fighting for me.
I learned how to truly thrive in my singleness. These last nine months have been the absolute best and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It sparked my hunger and thirst for the word of God and to worship him, honor him, serve him with joy because in him my joy is complete. He blessed me with some amazing girlfriends that I know I'll have for life. This was always a prayer I was scared to pray, but God still saw my need and gave me the community I desired. One of the best things besides knowing that God was changing my heart as I prayed about it, I had the honor to pray for my future husband. Yes I have been dreaming about being married since I was like five, but I hadn't brought it to God before. I wrote down qualities I admire, his walk in faith, family and friend group, and his future. I feel so at peace in knowing that to the right person, I'll be the right person, and I can rest knowing that God is in control and it will happen in his timing. In the mean time, I'll continue to pray because I have faith in his goodness and provision. Plus, it's really fun to think about being married to my absolute best friend that God picked out for me.
I love how God transformed my heart, mind, and soul all to have the desire to live a life according to his will. I completed this 100 day- life renewing- devotional on March 4, 2020.
Now I found out after my 100 days, but this is still a huge part of this journey. Going back to this internship I prayed for: God was evident in the entire process. He allowed me to make it through the initial selection process, and then two rounds of interviews. On March 9, I found out that I did not get the internship. Now I just as well could have turned away, super mad at God for allowing to me to get as far as I did, only to find out that this two month process of waiting was not what I had hoped. Although I did cry- a LOT- I praised God because he did answer my prayer: I asked that his will would be done. Yes his answer to this was no, but he just has something even better planned that I don't know about yet. This was a test of my faith. I saw him show up in each interview, giving me the words to say (I was taken back few times because I couldn't believe how he was speaking through me!) I rejoiced because he is a good good father who wants to give me nothing but the best that he has to offer.
I am so thankful for how much my life has changed, and I know that because of this whole process, I am a better woman of God, daughter, friend, sister, and servant. I also know that God will bless the next relationship I am in because I am surrendering myself to him, and I want him to have my relationships in his control. I will be a better girlfriend, and he will grow me into the woman I need to be for my future husband. I truly do enjoy every single moment of my life.
Thank you Stephanie for this most amazing devotional and your heart to encourage girls as they go though the single and dating season. Your podcast Girls Night with Stephanie May Wilson is my absolute favorite and I always learn so much from them. I will now forever have this journal as a reminder of how God took hold of my life and took me on the craziest ride, but only to lead me to live the life he has planned for me.
Thank y'all for your support and kindness with my passions. As of right now, my school has been shut down and I am no longer working. God has answered so many prayers this week and I am so full of joy! I am so thankful that God has given me this platform to share what he places on my heart. Do not be afraid to reach out for prayer, especially in this crazy season! I am always open to chat more about my life, this devotional, or literally anything at all. Love you friend!
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